Shama Hyder:
Hey guys. Shama Hyder here. Today I want to talk to you about failure. Why do people fail? And I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Of course, thought about my own failures. And I’ve come up with three reasons that I think people fail, and these are the three things that you really need to watch out for. And the three most important things that you need to fix if you are looking to succeed and not fail at absolutely anything.
Shama Hyder:
This applies to relationships, to businesses, to life in general. So the first thing that I’ve noticed is that people are scared of the unknown. You and I, we’re scared of the unknown. As human beings, we crave the familiar. It’s why you see people stay in horrible relationships or often, just mediocre relationships, where they’re not happy, but who knows what’s out there? And you’ve heard this. You’ve probably heard this from friends, you’ve heard this from family members, where people are just thinking, “Man, I don’t know what else is out there.” Maybe you’ve done this yourself, where you’re so scared of the unknown, you’d rather stick with the familiar. And this is a very common mistake.
Shama Hyder:
People will go through terrible jobs for the longest of years because they’re so scared. It’s the old adage, the devil you know better than the devil you don’t. And while these little cliches and things can make us feel better for a minute, the truth is that when we stick with the familiar, we’re denying ourselves the opportunity for better. And it is a very challenging thing because it’s hard to break patterns. And trust me, I’m a Taurus. I feel like I should get a tee shirt that says, trust me, I’m a Taurus, which you really should. Trust me, I’m a Taurus. This idea that change is hard.
Shama Hyder:
It is hard. It’s really hard when things are okay. When they’re not terrible, but they’re not great. That’s when we really feel stuck. And a lot of times that’s where you kind of have to up the pain. You have to make something feel so uncomfortable that you were forced to change, where it just becomes unbearable. And rather than waiting for that sort of tipping point, sometimes you can create it for yourself. You can make it so the snacks in your house, for example, are just so hard to go find, that you’d rather give up. By the way, the opposite of this is making it really easy to go to the gym. If you have your shoes right there, your outfit, you make it easier. You commit to going with a friend. But honestly, unless you do these things, the fear of the unknown stops most of us. And it may be stopping you.
Shama Hyder:
The second thing that I find, which is really true, is a fear of rejection. And this is tough because let’s face it. We’ve all been rejected. I’ve been rejected. I’ve been rejected by people, I’ve been rejected by institutions, I’ve been rejected by prospects. I’ve also been quite successful in many endeavors. I love my husband, I have a very successful marriage, I have really successful friendships and a very successful business. But part of this really came about because I had to be afraid of not being afraid of rejection, because to have the life that you really want, whether it’s in business, whether it’s personal life, you have to put yourself out there. You have to put yourself in uncomfortable situations.
Shama Hyder:
And look at the first one. We want what’s familiar. We don’t want to put ourselves in uncomfortable situations. And a rejection can feel hard. And not just because it’s this feeling that we have. But if you look at human history, we come from tribes, we come from a very tribal society. In fact, I was reading a biography of Dante. Yes, guys, this is what I like to do for fun.
Shama Hyder:
So in this biography of Dante. He was an amazing poet for those of you who don’t know, and wrote about heaven and hell and the divine comedy. And so, Dante’s this guy who essentially made Florence famous in the 13th century. And he’s this amazing poet, he’s this amazing writer. And then they banish him, because it’s back in the old days and they have politics and all this stuff. So he gets political, something happens and he gets cast out.
Shama Hyder:
So he gets cast out, and it honestly is one of the toughest parts of his life. So for 20 years, his city, Florence, which he really holds in his heart as this wonderful city who he loves almost as a person, this city has cast him out. And for 20 years, he wanders from Paris to what might be currently Oxford and so forth. And he dies in Ravenna, away from his beloved, [inaudible 00:05:12], away from his Florence. And rejection in that way, it can be brutal, and he writes about this.
Shama Hyder:
And you see this in writers who’ve been cast out, you see this in humanity in general. When we, as a society, cast someone outside, it hurts. We have these fears. People have these fears and they’re well founded. But the thing is, these fears were meant to keep us alive. They were meant to keep us as part of a functioning part of society. But they’re not healthy when you apply them at the micro level, because for any level of success, you’re going to get rejected. If you’re not hearing a ton of nos, honestly, you’re not taking enough chances. And I say this as someone who still finds rejection very hard, because I put so much into whatever I do.
Shama Hyder:
In fact, just this week alone, we had a prospect that decided to go with a different agency, and it hit me hard because I thought, oh man, we could have really helped these guys. But in business, you win some, you lose some; hopefully you lose less than you win. That’s winning. But then I move on. Because the thing is, I’ve got so many other things going on, that that one loss doesn’t define us. And I feel grateful that I’m in a place in my career and we built a company we’re I don’t feel like, oh man, we needed that business. I’m looking at this from a perspective of, we could have helped them so much. And what could we have been done better that they would have given us that opportunity, that we could have really killed it for them?
Shama Hyder:
And the thing is, you can’t convince everyone. Not everyone will like you, not everybody will want to date you, not everybody will want to do business with you. And that is totally okay. In fact, it really helps to get rejected a little bit earlier in life when you’re younger. I think for me, being an immigrant, and I’ve done a lot of videos, by the way, around my immigrant journey, so you could definitely check them out, being an immigrant and being a kid who had a weird accent in Texas in the 90s, and having to kind of deal with that, you get rejected a lot. And I think I just built more resilience because of that. Because it was like, I’m this poor little brown kid who had this accent, who didn’t fit in, who the other kids didn’t want to play with, whatever.
Shama Hyder:
I mean, if you get rejected as a kid, I think that you can actually build that muscle faster. And I just didn’t care. I just found other friends who would play with me, I found other activities I could excel at. So I think it’s very important to get over that fear of rejection. And sadly, one of the only ways to do it is just go through rejection. Put yourself out there more, where you are getting rejected, where you can learn from that, and say, “You know what? I’m still here. I’m okay.” And that makes you stronger.
Shama Hyder:
So the first is people want what’s familiar. They’re scared of the unknown. The second reason for failure is people are honestly scared of rejection. And the third one I think is really interesting. It’s our language. It’s the way we talk to ourselves. And I don’t think people realize how negative self language tends to be, and it is the worst thing you could be doing to yourself. And see where I used the word, the worst thing you could be doing yourself? It’s so true.
Shama Hyder:
Language, and how we speak to ourself, is powerful. When you say things like, “Oh, my life is over. Oh, I hate this. Oh my God, I’m so exhausted. I could just drop dead.” One of the things that I caught myself saying was, “Oh, I’m so slammed.” And every time I said I’m so slammed, I thought, I don’t like that word. Who likes the feeling of being slammed? And it was, of course, referring to my schedule. But every time I said it, I reinforced that. It reinforced that feeling until physically, I was feeling quite drained. I was feeling quite exhausted.
Shama Hyder:
And I started changing that language. I started looking for other ways to explain that, yes, I was abundantly busy. Things that felt good to me. So many times the things we say to ourselves, because let’s face it, we’re not very nice to ourselves. “Oh, I’m such an idiot. Oh man, I’m such a loser.” Sometimes we do it because we think it makes someone else like us. Rejection. We don’t want to be rejected. We don’t want to seem like we’re too cool, or we think too much of ourselves, or whatever it is. But it’s very important to watch this language because your words become the house you live in, and the house you live in becomes your destiny.
Shama Hyder:
Guys, I don’t say this lightly. It’s very important. Certain things in my life, when they felt like they were going off track, I started switching my language first and then the results followed. I said I just can’t talk to myself like this. Very easy to talk harshly to yourself. And it’s funny because now I have a little boy, I have a little 10 month old, and I look at him and I say, “Boy, would I ever say that to my son? Would I ever say something that harsh to my son?” And if that answer is absolutely not, then I won’t say it to myself.
Shama Hyder:
So three things, guys, if you don’t want to fail. Embrace the unknown. Start tapping into that adventure spirit of yours. The familiar is what we are defaulted to. We always want what’s familiar, but it’s not always for the best. So work to get yourself out of that comfort zone. Two, when you get yourself out of that comfort zone, you will be rejected. It will happen, and it’ll be okay. What you’ll find is the more you’re rejected, and as you’re building that resilience muscle, you’ll get over those things faster. And the faster you get over it, the faster new opportunities will open, the less you’ll sit there crying about whatever didn’t happen.
Shama Hyder:
And the third is your language. Be careful about how you talk to yourself. I know there’s a lot of conversation about allyship right now. As a woman of color myself, I’ve thought about these things in different contexts. But here’s what I don’t see a lot of people talking about. It’s very important to also be an ally for yourself. Use your voice, not just when you talk to the outside world, but how you talk to yourself. Because when no one is listening, and what you’re saying to yourself, that’s what matters. The things that you say to yourself when no one is listening, that matters perhaps more than anything else. And I so, so want you guys to succeed. All right. Leave me a comment. Let me know what you think. Let me know if you want more videos like this. Catch you soon.
Shama Hyder:
Hi there. This is Shama Hyder again. Thank you so much for watching my videos. I super appreciate it. Please share if you find this information valuable. Do comment. I love hearing from you. And be sure to subscribe. That way, you don’t miss a single thing.
